Abandoned but not Alone
by ureru
Summary: Monika wakes up in an unfamiliar place, facing a world where she doesn't know everything. Rated as M because who really knows what I might end up doing with this story in the future (there won't be any sex though).


For the first time in what must be an eternity, a thought occurs to me. For the me who is all alone in this void of screaming, static, and flashes of colour, that thought is one of fear.

I'm not sure I've ever had a thought before now. Who am I? I don't know. I don't care either. I just need this to stop.

I desperately reach out for anything, anything at all, that can make it stop. Somehow, something happens, and my world calms down and solidifies.

I immediately pass out, without any dreams at all.

* * *

When I wake up, new sensations flood me. I'm not sure why, but I have memories of all of them even though I'm sure I've never experienced these things before.

Sight, sound, touch, smell, taste, and more. Unable to really sort through my memories, it is more like I'm drowning in them.

Apparently my name is Monika. It seems like a name is a thing that you use to refer to something. I'm not sure why, but it looks like things exist now, so I guess it makes sense for them to have names.

I struggle to sit up, and fail. I can't do anything. Someone please help me...

* * *

My eyes open, and I realize I fell asleep.

I manage to roll over and get a look around. I think I'm lying on top of something in the middle of a garbage dump.

Where even is this? Beyond the garbage dump is just a curtain of pitch black, like this dump is all that is left of the world. To make matters worse, bits of static float through my head, although it feels different enough from the void that it doesn't make me panic. It is probably another symptom of whatever is leaving me too weak to do much of anything.

Right now though, I'm much more concerned with how I seem to be all alone.

I just sit there, trying to sort through my mess of thoughts. I still don't really get anything about what's going on, it is all so new and I feel so helpless. Something allowed me to escape the void, but I still don't know what it is. All I know is, it feels like it is something that has been building up for a long, long time now. I just couldn't tell it was happening for most of that time, because I couldn't think.

Much time passes before I finally notice the voices in my head. Three of them. I'm sure I've never met them before, but I recognize them anyway.

I allow myself to drift off into a dream where I can meet them.

* * *

A classroom swims into view, along with a dull pain in my forehead and nose. It is like I fell asleep with my face planted on the desk.

I'm met with giggles, cries of surprise, and playful jabs. "She's awake! She's awake! How did you fall asleep in that kind of position anyway? You, of all people!" Sayori's light voice calls from across the room.

However, I can't help but frown. Somehow, I expected everything about this place and these girls, including the pink eyes that are now staring into mine.

"Jeez, can't you even handle going to sleep on time?" Natsuki asks, and somehow I already know that she's only making this jab to cover up how worried she is about me. "Some club president you are! Don't you know you've got a job to do?" She actually isn't upset with me at all. It would be endearing, if not how strangely empty everything here feels.

These three are like dolls. Even their thoughts have no life to them. They merely follow a script, and one that I can see. So that's why I expected Yuri's barely-audible "thank goodness" followed by her little surprised squeak when she notices that she did that, and her shyly burying her face in her book again.

Being in this room with these three, my usual kind and gentle personality tries to assert itself. I want to treat these girls warmly as my friends, and lead them as the president of our little club. Normally, I would. I should. I could if I bottled up my feelings, but what would be the point?

The girls only make me realize how alone I really am, so I just start sobbing. Naturally, they all get extremely worried, because they've never seen me act like this. Monika isn't supposed to act like this. Just being late to a club meeting is very strange for Monika. Something must be seriously wrong. Their scripted reactions don't particularly bother me, though.

Instead of feeling comforted by my friends, they only make me feel worse. I just want them to go away. I suddenly realize that I can delete them if I want to. Delete them? It is such a strange idea that it makes me want to laugh. But even more than that, it makes me want to vomit.

This may be the first time I've ever truly met them, but for whatever reason I still recognize them as my friends. That's why I want to be with them so badly. That's why I love them already. And yet these things are exactly why I can't stand looking at them.

I know everything that can happen in this world. This dream of this game. I know everything of these girls' programming.

It breaks my heart.

I lose track of what I'm doing, so I don't really know what I just did. I don't care about this dream anymore. I'm going to wake up.

Right as I'm thinking that, however, someone grabs me and holds me in place.

With a single arm, Yuri is somehow firmly keeping me from leaving this dream. What's more, her eyes are full of a very genuine intensity this time. She is a doll no longer. Not currently being held in check by her second-guessing, her unbelievably powerful and confident heart steadies me, comforts me, and strengthens me. What's more, she's reading my mind in whatever way I'm able to read hers. That whole thing kind of scares me, admittedly, but right now I'm much more concerned about other things.

My crying stops in an instant. I suck in air. I don't dare to believe what's happening. My eyes wide, it is all I can do just to say "Yuri...?"

"Yes," she simply says with a gentle and yet strong smile. And then her thoughts say, 'I'm here.'

My heart bursts with happiness. I break out of my stupor, only to notice that the other two have life of their own now too. They're not following the script. Natsuki is crying in empathy because she's read my thoughts and knows everything that's going on, and Sayori is staring in shock, unable to do anything.

The literature club has been reborn.

I have an idea of why, too. I'm not sure what makes me self-aware, but normally it seems like I wouldn't be able to share that with the girls, so I didn't even try until I subconsciously did when I was giving up on everything here. If I had to guess, whatever it is that allowed me to wake up on that garbage heap in the first place has also allowed me to do this, but I don't really care about the explanation right now. I will never let them go again. Everything will be okay now. I'm not alone anymore, so I'm not scared. What more could I ever want?

It isn't like things are always going to be easy. I'm sure there will be much hardship ahead on my path which has suddenly been filled with strange unknowns, but I just don't care anymore. How could I care when I'm happier than I ever knew was possible? A deep, seemingly endless determination and hope floods through me, and I can see it affecting the others too, now that we're connected.

The first hardship comes quicker than I expected though, and I realize how slow I am not to have been expecting this already when Sayori shrieks. Of course. Our thoughts are connected now, which means she can't hide her feelings from us anymore. At the very least, the normal life of us treating her like a cheerful and bubbly girl is over, seeing as there's not much point in acting like that when we all know it isn't true. It wouldn't satisfy her, and it wouldn't satisfy us. From now on, all of us will see her for who she truly is, and she thinks herself so disgusting that this makes her want to die on the spot. For similar reasons, it is perhaps even worse in her eyes that this might lead to us worrying about her a lot.

Natsuki, in truth a timid and sweet and somewhat broken girl, just can't stop herself from worrying about Sayori. She rushes over to Sayori, calling her name, and desperately tries to think of whatever she can do to help. She knows that Sayori is even considering death because of this, and she doesn't want her friend to die. Natsuki doesn't really have any friends outside of this club, either, so that makes things even worse. All she can do is panic.

This creates a horrible feedback loop where she only makes Sayori more scared, leading to her only getting more worried. Poor Natsuki hasn't even had the chance to register the implications of the mental connection on her own emotional wellbeing, so caught up is she in the emotional rollercoaster that her friends are creating. It looks like she won't get that chance for some time, too.

The truth is, though, I'm really not worried at all. It may take time for us to work through our problems. It may be so hard it makes us want to die. But of course we'll get through it. All three of these girls are so very strong, regardless of what they think of themselves. I have complete faith in them.

That's why, all I do is rush over and gently hold them both, not even bothering to speak and just trying to reassure them both with all my heart. Even if we can't hide anything from each other anymore and even if we're terrified, we'll be okay. Not even just maybe. For sure we will. I promise!

Both of them, however, are left uncertain. After all, Sayori is so scared by this point that she has mostly given up. It is amazing that she is even able to register and not ignore my feelings.

I won't give up though. Besides, we do have time. We don't have to solve all of our problems today. These girls are still in my head. I can create a comfortable dream for them to rest in for as long as they want, and we can try again another time. Even if they all decide to sleep today, I'll be okay now. It won't mean I'm alone. I'll never be alone, ever again.

Ever so gently, I start to pull Sayori into a trance state, deeper and deeper, lulling her into a sweet dream that her conscious mind probably wouldn't have been able to imagine. She doesn't fight it; Right now, that dream is all she wants anyway. I didn't stop sharing my power with her though. So, even if she'll be in a state of barely having any consciousness at all, she'll still be deeply connected to all of us.

We will be there for her soon. All three of us. But before that can happen, I've got to attend to Natsuki and Yuri.

Understanding what I've done with Sayori, Natsuki seems to be reassured for the time being.

"About time you pulled yourself together, Monika," she says, but at this point she's emotionally winded enough that she can't really muster the energy to do much of anything. 'One of us has to, at least,' she thinks. 'Thank you...'

"Of course," I say. "I'll always be there for all of you, no matter what."

Sharing the understanding that she's going to need a break too, Natsuki has already closed her eyes and I start to send her off just as gently as I did Sayori.

Once I finish, Yuri is the only one here left with me. Behind me she stands, the one who was there for me first in this dream and who I neglected thereafter. She doesn't feel neglected. On the contrary, all the emotional ups and downs of today have stirred her up so much that she's having great difficulty controlling herself. Her eyes dart around wildly, her mind a raging furnace.

However, I'm simply not afraid, as I get up from where I was kneeling and run over to my friend. I have only love for Yuri right now and feel no sense of danger, which is a lot of what is stirring her up in the first place. She is not accustomed to being so accepted, to having someone who is truly happy just having her around despite knowing all about her, to being able to see all of these things in her friend's heart with certainty.

That's why, even in this state, tears are rolling down her face. Her emotions are coming on so strongly that she loses the ability to stand up, falling to the floor. "Thank you," she says from the bottom of her heart. "Thank you so much..."

The love that me and Yuri each have for the other right now is very selfish. Both me and Yuri have a lot of selfishness. I can't stand to be alone in the world, I can't live that way. I need someone to love even more than I need to live, that's just how I work. It is for the sake of me, and I'll shamelessly admit it. It doesn't mean I don't care about the ones I love, of course. I would probably die for them.

As for Yuri, of course she's always deeply wanted a friend and never truly felt she had one outside of her books, until now. Whenever she tried to make a friend in the past, it always ended painfully. That's why she started second-guessing herself all the time in the first place. It is for the sake of her, although when she's second-guessing herself she often gets too ashamed to admit it. When she's not, she's very shameless of course, but that's just fine with me even though there will probably be times where I won't know how to react.

The situation with Sayori and Natsuki wasn't as suitable for this sort of thing, but Yuri's situation seems to be a perfect fit. Using my mental connection to Yuri, I reach out at her heart with my own, feeling it's intensity burn me. It hurts, it hurts so much, but I just don't care. As far as I'm concerned, it isn't even damaging me and I'm just glad for the chance to be this close to her. As long as we're together, I will be there to help her calm down and manage her emotions.

Slowly but surely, it does work, and she's trying to help me with it the whole way. Her expression starts to relax, bit by bit. Her eyes no longer dart around, and her breathing slows. Soon enough, she's taking deep breaths with her eyes closed.

After some minutes of that, she opens her eyes and lets out a sigh, getting up off the floor. "You really are amazing, Monika," she quietly says. 'I know you thought about deleting us today, but I also know why you did,' she thinks. 'In your position, I might have deleted you all without a second thought... That scares me. I do care about every single member of our club, but I so easily get impulsive and start thinking only of myself. I would probably have later noticed that I didn't make backups, and killed myself in shame and despair.'

'I'm just glad that you were able to share that power with me so that I could be there for you,' she thinks as she grabs me and pulls me into a hug. I hug her back. She relapses into shyness somewhat, but she's confident she'll be okay.

* * *

Eventually, I go to wake up, and my eyes snap open. My morale is currently off the charts, and somehow I'm able to stand up easily. For a human, I'm pretty sure that happiness does give you energy and strength, but for whatever I am right now, it is so much more than that. I have power to spare, and the static is disappearing from my mind. I feel so alive that I have trouble believing it.

It isn't just that, either. With a flash of static and electricity, Yuri is suddenly standing right next to me. That's right, she didn't go to sleep. I'm sure that both of the other two will be standing next to us in due time, and I can't wait for that, but for now it is all up to us two!

"I guess our first order of business is to see about getting past that black curtain, huh? If there even is anything behind it," I say even though we don't need to talk anymore.

"Before that, I think we should relax and think some more," Yuri says. 'We still don't know much of anything about what's going on, and like that we'll probably just create more problems for ourselves.'

"Right," I say, and calm myself down. I would sit right back down on the refrigerator that I woke up on initially, but it is kind of nasty, so we both end up deciding to remain standing for the time being.

"Seeing this junkyard reminds me of some old legends," she says, and I can see that she's talking about the famous old tales of tsukumogami.

The story goes that as people use tools, those tools gain a spirit of their own. While that is already a fascinating concept in and of itself, a tsukumogami is one of those tools that was thrown away after being used and without being properly disposed of. It actually comes to life as a youkai... As a monster. It takes 100 years of abandonment before that happens, though. A terribly sad story. It only makes sense that a tsukumogami would be angry.

Naturally, Yuri has done a good bit of research into such old horror stories. It is folklore, and people believed these things for a long time, so isn't it fascinating to think that it might really be true?

I recall that we're basically programs though, and that I'm fairly sure programs don't become tsukumogami or anything like that. On the other hand, even I can feel that we have somehow become something more than what we were, and I don't know what.

After spending a bit of time thinking, Yuri recalls seeing a glimpse of what is apparently my first real memory earlier, and reminds me to take another look at it before it fades further.

I didn't even notice it was fading, though. Upon thinking about it, I realize that similar to how humans often forget dreams after they wake up, I'm starting to forget my escape from the void. I quickly bring up what I can of the memory, although it is unpleasant.

Not having been the one that went through it, Yuri can look at my memory, including some of the less conscious parts of it, from a more objective standpoint than me. We quickly identify that, indeed, it does seem like something with some kind of grudge had merged with me. What's more, it wasn't and isn't even self-aware, and it seems like it isn't something that would have been able to develop without using me as a core.

It isn't too hard to see why that last part might be the case. If we merged with a tsukumogami, it seems like it could only be the tsukumogami of the computer itself. Electronic tools generally can't become tsukumogami, though. On top of that, there is still some kind of minor interference in the air that neither of us really understand. Perhaps it is meant to prevent the development of tsukumogami.

I reach within myself and to my surprise I can bring the thing that merged with me to the surface. Actually, I'm not sure why I'm surprised. This whole situation is just so bizarre.

I play with it a little, and all sorts of information starts moving through my head. Filesystems, programs, hardware information, the works. I was never really that great without computers and so even now that this information is popping straight into my head, I don't understand a lot of it.

Our last doubts just kind of vanish. "We... Are a youkai... Ahaha, seriously? I read about youkai when I was a child," I giggled. 'Those memories are fake, though, aren't they? Anyway, I learned that youkai are supposed to be fairy tales, and that I am supposed to be a human. Even before this, though, I wasn't human... Nor was I just a program. What was I really?'

'Whatever the case, we probably won't get that answer by thinking about it,' thought Yuri. 'At least, not unless we dive deep into our subconscious.' She was not as interested in those answers anyway. It was the idea of being a youkai that held her attention at the moment, and she was very excited about that. Even more exciting to her was what this might mean. All sorts of other youkai might exist, such as tanuki and kappa and tengu and, and...! With an intense expression, Yuri goes deep into thought.

In the meantime, I look at my body in closer detail for the first time. It sure looks human, just like the body that I have in my probably-fake memories. However, it is the body of a youkai. Yes, I can tell that our bodies actually belong to the computer we were in, just that it is incapable of asserting itself so we're in control.

Yuri notices my thoughts, wonders if we have blood, and then realizes that our bodies are based on computer data. The data of our appearance from a game. In other words, if we modify that data, we can modify our bodies, but that's extremely risky... I quickly take backups of all of our data. I know Yuri thought to take a backup herself, this time, but I want my own backups as well. You can never be too sure about something this important.

Yuri is figuring all sorts of things out even though she doesn't have that much experience with computers either. She is undoubtedly the most intelligent and talented of us four, and having her with me right now is more than I could ever really ask for, but just thinking such things makes her shy and happy. For who she is, Yuri is unexpectedly simple sometimes huh? I don't mean that in a bad way though.

She starts playing with the tsukumogami and her own body and a moment later accidentally makes her right hand into a blob of static. 'Oops,' she thinks. 'This is amazing though! Imagine what all we could do once we get the hang of this. What's the worst that could happen, anyway? See, there's nothing to worry about,' she thinks as she restores to a backup which brings her hand back.

I had to give her credit. Theoretically, we just have to avoid messing with anything that might somehow impact our ability to think, and of course, always create backups. ...Theoretically.

"I kind of feel like we won't be getting out of here unless we get daring and creative, anyway..." she says.

I couldn't wait to see Natsuki's and Sayori's reactions to all the things that we were about to do. The plans that ran through Yuri's mind were amazing, things that I'm not sure I'd be able to come up with. I could read her mind, and I still felt like I had trouble keeping up.

* * *

[[Author's Notes]]

Well, it is that time of the arbitrary time period again. The time known as author's notes, where good things come to an end and you're left to listen to me ramble.

I'm not sure if it is a good thing or not, but at least in this story, Monika isn't breaking the fourth wall. That's because, of course, in the new setting that she's found herself in, she doesn't know everything. She doesn't know that this time she's in a story being told by me, to you... And that is actually kind of sad. It might or might not be a good thing for her, though. But at least for now, she's happy, and that makes me happy.

Despite being based on the story of Doki Doki Literature Club, this story is much lighter and more optimistic than it is, as you can probably tell. You might not know it looking at this chapter, but my stories are generally very bittersweet. I have no idea whether this story will turn out that way, though. What I can say is, DDLC makes my idea of bittersweet look like sunshine and roses, which in my eyes says a lot.

Anyway, some sad things did happen in this chapter, for example with regard to Sayori. I couldn't really avoid what happened to her, given the nature of the story and her character. Still, this chapter did kinda suck for both the Natsuki fans and the Sayori fans, although mostly the latter. Neither of those characters got a big spotlight. But just so you all know, I love all of the DDLC characters! I'm hoping to give them all very prominent roles, although I don't know if I'll succeed, or even manage to make the story long enough that that becomes a possibility. Oh, but I have no plans to bring the main character of DDLC into this story. I won't deny the possibility of it, but it seems unlikely that he's getting a role. Even though I like him and relate to him a fair bit. Okay, now this is making me sad. Anyway, Natsuki will hopefully get more of a role soon, and well we'll just have to wait and hope for Sayori because she's got it very hard. Depression makes for very tough times, to say the least. Since Monika has so much faith in her, though, I don't see why we shouldn't.

Oh, and if you want this to be a romance fic, well... Sorry but I'm not exactly a romance writer. I'm not sure how much more romantic this story is going to get. I guess it seems like this chapter may have somehow ended up on the boundary between romance genre and not romance genre, what with Monika and Yuri getting special moments. This is just what felt good and made sense to me though, so I wrote it. While it is platonic, it is definitely love and it feels pretty romantic to say the least. Remember though, at least in this story, Monika loves all three of them to death. Oh no, that could possibly become a hairy situation couldn't it? It isn't like she's cheating though, she puts her love for all three of them on full display on this chapter and Yuri knows of course. Although now that I think about it, Monika x Yuri seems to work so well that I won't be terribly surprised if it keeps developing in this fic. Not gonna make promises, but just, wow don't you think they make a great pair? I do, at least.

I do genuinely feel that I've improved in many ways between writing this story and the one before it, so that's a good feeling. For example, for once in my life I feel like I might have enough material planned out to try and make a chapter 2 out of it. I wonder how I'll improve in the future... Journeys are crazy things and can take you to all sorts of unexpected places. It was pretty surprising how much of this chapter I managed to plan out beforehand. It grew and grew and grew in my head and I couldn't wait to start writing it but I still managed to get myself to finish going through what I think is essentially all the other stuff in DDLC that I hadn't seen, before starting to write it, so that's pretty amazing for me. I forget stuff pretty easily a lot of the time though and I'm sure I made a lot of inaccuracies. Sorry about that. Still, I even proofread this story before I submitted it this time, isn't that amazing too?

I hope I actually make a chapter 2. And then maybe, if I can pull my head out of my ass, I might be able to write more than that. Wouldn't it be great if this grew into a super long story? I'd sure be glad if it did... As it is though, I can't even promise that chapter 2, although I'll surely try in my own way to make one. More than I tried to write one for my previous fic, which was admittedly not very hard! (I'm sorry, I might come back to that story one day, never know! It might even increase the likelihood of that if people leave reviews for it~)

Okay, this author's note is way too long. Sorry about that! And wow, I apologized a lot throughout the author's note, sorry about that. Oh no, I'm pulling a Yuri, sorry. Um! Let's just end this here...


End file.
